Renee stood at the front of the church, standing over the casket. It was made of wood, shiny and sleek. She reached her hand out to touch the exterior, some of the silk linen spilling over the edge. It was cold to the touch, yet warmer than the man who lay inside. She looked at him, his face serene, body clad in a black-blue suit. His hair was freshly shaved bald; it was the cleanest she ever saw him. It pissed her off.

“Daddy!” her little sister, Diedre, wailed. She too wore black-blue, a dress with ruffled sleeves that reached below her knees, her hair in braids being held by baubles and butterfly clips. Diedre’s tear-stained face made her look even more like a baby. I’m not a baby, I’m ten years old! she’d say. That didn’t matter to her older sister; at twenty-five, everyone under twenty-one was a baby. Renee looked at Diedre in wonder and confusion. Did she not know who the man she was mourning was? He wasn’t worth her tears. She looked around her, the church filled with family members and friends of the deceased. They mingled with one another, hugging and crying and giving their condolences. She looked at the line forming by the casket, women and men alike dabbing at their eyes. She frowned at the sight and looked back at the dead man.

Diedre’s crying got louder and more intense, each sob rising from her stomach and excreting from her eyes and nose. Diedre tried wiping the snot and tears away, resulting in them coagulating on her face. Diedre wiped her hands on her dress, leaving behind a sheen of her sadness. She grabbed at Renee’s right hand, her sister recoiling immediately.

“I-I’m sorry,” Diedre said meekly. She retracted her hand, reaching instead to her older brother, Trevor, standing next to her. He didn’t escape from her grasp, accepting her hand immediately. He leaned his head on her own, bringing his little sister into a hug.

“It’s okay DeDe. You’ll be okay,” he said, rubbing her shoulders. He was only twelve years old but belied a maturity reserved for someone much older.

“Dad said the world isn’t nice to boys like me,” Trevor said. He sat between his older sister’s legs as she braided his hair.

“Yeah? He’s right but he’s a damn idiot,” Renee told him. “You’ve got the rest of your life to be an adult.”

“Dad also said black boys don’t get to be kids.”

“You’re twelve. I’m telling you, just enjoy being twelve.”

Renee looked at her younger siblings. Trevor wore an all-black, too-big suit. His hair was also shaved down, making the boy look like a small man. But what agitated her more was how close her sister and brother were. Deidre wept quietly, her tears slowing their fall as she held on to her brother. She was never that peaceful, that calm, with Renee. Looking at her hugging younger siblings reminded Renee of when she first heard about them.

She was thirteen, visiting her grandmother for the summer when her dad called. Renee sat in her bedroom, playing Solitaire on the massive desktop computer.

“Oh, sweet Jesus!” she’d heard her grandmother say on the phone. Moments later her grandmother walked into her room, handing Renee the phone.

“Your dad has news for you,” she said excitedly.

Renee was doubtful but took the phone from her grandmother.

“Hi NeNe,” he said.

“Hi.”

“What’s your email address?”

“Um, it’s-uh preppysoda13@gmail.com.”

He laughed on the other end. “Ok. I’m gonna send you a picture.”

“Um, of what?”

“Of your baby brother!” He was excited. Renee could only muster shock.

“Ok. Did you get it?” he asked.

“Uh, I’m checking it now,” she said. She didn’t want to see the image but her grandmother stood behind her with glistening eyes and a wide smile. Disappointing her grandmother wasn’t an option for Renee, even if her father was a professional at it. She opened Internet Explorer, typing in the URL for Google’s email service. It took a minute for the interface to load and for her eyes to see Subject: Little Brother.

“Who’s ‘Kiera’?” she asked the man on the phone.

“My...female friend,” he replied. You could just say girlfriend, Renee thought. She clicked on the email, greeted by a picture of a small, brown baby with large brown eyes. He was bald and squishy looking and sat on a too-big pillow.

“Look at the cutie!” her grandmother cooed. Renne’s eyes lingered on the photo and slowly noticed the text beneath. Meet your brother, Trevor Anthony Mays! He was born on Easter, April 4, 2010, it read. She frowned her brows as she checked the calendar on the computer. It was the 23rd of August. She wanted to ask him why he waited so long to tell her but her grandmother motioned for the phone. Renee gave it to her and her grandmother left, chatting happily with her son about her newest grandchild.

Trevor caught Renee’s eyes and glared at her, Diedre silent in his arms. Renee opened her mouth, an apology lying at her lips, and shut it. She couldn’t get it out as the words made a home in her throat. She just couldn’t.

Diedre was born on June 16th, 2012. Renee celebrated the end of her sophomore year of high school the following week. Her mother was in the kitchen making lunch when Renee got home.

“Renee, you got a letter,” her mother said, not looking away from the pot of macaroni and cheese. “I left it on your pillow.”

Renee headed to her room and saw the letter just where her mother put it. It was plain, her name and address written in neat script. She tore it open and found a slip of paper alongside a photo of a baby. It wasn’t her brother, she figured. This baby wore a bright red bow on their head and was much smaller than two-year old Trevor. Renee picked up the paper.

“Deidre Marie Mays. Dee-oh-bee June 16,” she read aloud. She flipped it around; nothing. She did the same for the photo; also nothing.

Renee walked away from her brother’s stare and the casket. She wanted to shake some sense into him, letting him know that the man they called “dad” wasn’t worthy of the title. She headed to the pews, opting for a seat in the third row. The line near the casket moved forward as her brother and sister walked off and headed for their mom.

“How are you feeling?” someone whispered to Renee.

She jumped in her seat, calming down after recognizing her mother who took a seat next to her.

“I want to leave,” Renee whispered back. “I can feel everyone just, judging me.”

“Honey, no one’s judging y-”

“I know for a fact there are people here wondering why I’m not crying,” Renee interrupted, her voice rising to a quiet shout.

Her mother took a deep breath, turning her body toward her only daughter.

“It’s okay to not cry.”

Renee shook her head, avoiding her mother’s worried eyes. She looked around and locked onto her siblings. Her mother followed her line of sight and grabbed her hand, squeezing it. They sat in silence, Renee’s mother alternating between rubbing her daughter’s back and hands.

“It’s not fair,” Renee said softly. “It’s not fucking fair.”

It was Saturday morning and Renee was in the bathroom brushing her teeth. She was staying with her father and his new wife the summer after her freshman year of college.

“Hey NeNe!” Diedre said, standing breathlessly at the doorway. Her excitement at having her older sister sleepover ran through her tiny veins.

“Good morning DeDe,” Renee mumbled with her mouth full of toothpaste.

“Can we go to the park later?”

Renee spat out the paste and gargled some water. She wiped the excess paste from around her mouth.

“Yeah, of course,” she said.

Deidre pumped her tiny fists with excitement and headed to Trevor’s room.

“Trev! We’re gonna go to the park later!” she exclaimed as she barged into her brother’s space. “We’re going to the park! We’re going to the park!”

Renee smiled to herself, laughing at her sister’s chanting. It was loud enough to wake their dad. When he stumbled out his room, Renee’s smile left.

“Deidre, it’s almost nine. Keep it down,” he said.

“Sorry Daddy. But NeNe said we can go to the park later!”

He looked at his eldest daughter, her arms crossed and eyes not meeting his.

“Sounds fun,” he said, reaching out to touch Renee’s shoulder.

She stepped out and away from his reach and headed to the kitchen. Her body jittered with nerves and she poured a glass of water to clam her down when she heard the tell-tale thuds of Diedre’s feet.

“Why are you upset at Daddy?”

Renee took a large gulp of water and swallowed. “Did he tell you to come ask me?”

Diedre shook her head vigorously.

Renee shrugged, finishing the water. “Then I’m not upset.”

“But you always ignore him.”

“No,” Renee scoffed.

“B-but, you walked away from him just then and-”

“Yeah, DeDe, I did.”

Deidre frowned and looked down at the floor. She wasn’t comfortable with confrontation and hated to see her older sister getting agitated.

“I...” she trailed off. “I just want to know why...”

Renee looked at her sister, tears threatening to fall from her eyes. She walked to her and held her face in her hands, forcing eye contact. She then smiled and kissed Deidre on her forehead.

“I’m just too old for a dad.”

Deidre laughed at the response. “You can never be too old for a dad, silly!”

“I am, though. Might’ve always been.”

Renee was brought back to the present when the preacher started messing with the microphone. The feedback was loud but not ear-piercingly so as the guests began to find seating in the pews. In the first rows sat Trevor, Diedre, their mom and grandparents. Renee’s mother let go of her daughter’s hand as she stood up to leave.

Renee looked at her, asking where she was going with her eyes. Her mother pointed to the first row pews, brows raised. Renee shook her head and her mother went to sit next to her younger siblings.

“On this beautiful May 15th, we gather here to celebrate the life of Victor Mays,” the preacher began. “He was a friend, a son, a brother and a father. May our holy Father welcome and embrace Victor with open arms.”

A smattering of ‘amens’ was heard throughout the crowd.

The preacher continued on with her eulogy, mentioning a couple of verses and proclaiming Victor as one of God’s welcomed children. Renee grew bored as the preacher toed the line between sermon and eulogy.

An hour passed when the preacher finally ceased to speak.

“If any of the dearly departed’s family have words to say, the floor is all yours.”

Renee looked around, noticing her brother and sister making their way to the microphone. The preacher tried adjusting it but it was still too tall for the children. She rummaged around the microphone stand and stopped, helping Diedre stand upon a newfound bench.

“Um...uh, I’m Deidre and...my daddy was...he was very nice.”

Lies, Renee thought.

“He, um, he was always there to help me with my math homework...”

Doubt it.

“...and I just...I really miss him a lot. He was the best daddy in the world and I love him and I miss him.”

Bullshit. That man was no ‘daddy’ let alone a fucking father. Renee wanted to scream but held it in as her sibling swapped places.

“I’m Trevor and I love my dad and I miss him and I hope that h-he, is, um, at peace. Wherever he is.”

Renee’s right eye started to twitch. Her blood was boiling and she stood up, making her way to the podium in front. She glanced at her siblings before focusing on the crowd in front of her. All their faces, their weepy red eyes and runny noses, were focused on Renee. What adrenaline she had to make it to the podium was depleted and anxiety took its place. Her lips quivered as she opened her mouth.

“Hi. I’m Renee,” she began. “I’m...Victor’s oldest child, his firstborn, actually. And, I’m, not glad but, god. I...” Her eyes scanned the room and she felt even more conscious of how dry they were. She was debating leaving when she caught her mother’s eyes. She held onto them as she started speaking again. “He, my, dad, I guess, left when I was three. So, being up here, being here, really, is hard. It’s hard to listen to how great a parent he was when he spent a decade ignoring me. And I feel bad that he’s, y’know, dead now but,” she shrugged, “I hardly knew him. I guess I’m glad that he proved he could be a great dad, I just wish I knew him then.”

Her mouth was dry as she overlooked the crowd. Renee desperately wanted to tell them the truth, to say the speech she prepared in her head aloud. She looked toward her siblings, watching as Trevor started to hug Diedre as she was brought to tears again. No, this isn’t the time, Renee thought. She took a deep breath as she neared her face to the microphone.

“I’m Renee. I wish my dad peace and I’m grateful for everyone’s support today.”

The church began to clear out as family and friends started going their own ways. Some people headed for their cars to make their way to the burial site. Renee exited the church and stood on the steps. People she did and did not know gave their final condolences as they left and she smiled and nodded in response. Please, get me out of here, she pleaded silently.

Trevor and Deidre walked out, holding one another’s hand as their mother and Renee’s mother walked out together. Both of the children’s eyes were red rimmed and snot started to crust around Deidre’s nose. They walked silently past Renee, heading to a car.

“Hey, wait,” Renee croaked. Her throat was dry, the words were muffled but her younger siblings stopped and looked back at her.

The three children stared at one another, all of them unsure of what to say next. Renee opened her mouth but shut it, choosing to instead walk toward her brother and sister. She looked at them, bent down and hugged them. Deidre hugged her back immediately while Trevor kept his arms to his side. A moment passed and he patted Renee on the back, pulling away.

Renee sighed and smiled. It’s progress.